


reinhard gets the divine protection of salt reasoning

by Turacoverdin



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Gen, Humor, probably ooc stupidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:21:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29535363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turacoverdin/pseuds/Turacoverdin
Summary: reinhard gets the divine protection of salt reasoning
Relationships: Felt & Reinhard van Astrea
Comments: 17
Kudos: 56





	reinhard gets the divine protection of salt reasoning

When most people hear of Reinhard’s Divine Protection of Salt Reasoning, their first reaction runs along the line of shock— _“This doesn’t seem like you at all,”_ they’d say. Their second reaction is generally more subdued— _“That’s surprisingly useful,”_ some would realize. _“You’d never mix up salt and sugar again.”_

Both of these reactions are incorrect.

This first reaction is wrong because before Reinhard received his Divine Protection of Salt Reasoning, he mixed up salt and sugar as often as he could. Luckily, this was not very often, because once others recognized and experienced Reinhard’s unreasonable salt-and-sugar related inadequacies, they went to great lengths to never give him the opportunity to mix up the two ingredients. 

This method worked and wasn’t a problem up until Reinhard forcibly rescued Felt.

One day Reinhard mentioned offhand that the rats had gotten into the sugar again. It wasn’t intended to be a pointed comment at all. He’d really planned to deal with the mess on his own, using that extra-potent rat poison he’d gotten a few days ago, so when Felt’s eyes had taken on a strange gleam and she’d disappeared for a few hours, Reinhard had thought nothing of it.

Reinhard had continued to think nothing of it until later that night, when he and Felt were cooking. They had to do most of the cooking themselves, as no one was particularly keen to do the housework for the strongest human alive and a random street orphan. Old Man Rom was the only one who wasn’t adverse to the idea, and he would not spend his every day cooking for these two as he had a business to run. Reinhard didn’t particularly mind, though, and Felt seemed to enjoy it more often than not.

This particular night, Felt suddenly said, “Stop.”

Reinhard, of course, stopped immediately. He was just about to pour in the salt and the sugar. Reinhard liked this recipe because it required equal amounts of salt and sugar, added at the same time, so it didn’t matter if he got the two confused. “What’s wrong, Felt?” Reinhard asked carefully.

A note on Felt—Felt, while not the most intelligent or personable girl, was a very hard worker. She could perhaps even be described as an overeager one. She, well, felt indebted to Reinhard for picking her up off the streets and trying to help her out. She didn’t at first, of course, because for all intents and purposes he essentially kidnapped her, but after a fashion Felt had come to realize that Reinhard did genuinely want the best for her. This led to her trying to pull her own weight, so to speak.

Felt crossed her arms, defensively embarrassed. “Is that salt or sugar?” 

Reinhard blinked slowly and lowered his hand. “Why do you ask?”

“I put rat poison in the sugar,” Felt answered quickly.

“In….” Reinhard trailed off. “In _all_ of the sugar?”

Felt squirmed, recognizing too late that perhaps she shouldn’t have poisoned their entire supply of sugar. “Yes.”

Reinhard took a deep, slow breath. “We’ll just...not use sugar, then.” He could find a sugar substitute fairly easily.

They both looked at the identical cups equally filled with unknown but remarkably similar white, granular substances.

Skipping out on sugar would be acceptable. The meal would be much saltier than usual, but as neither were required in large amounts, it would be fine. Skipping out on both salt and sugar, though...

Felt looked at Reinhard. Reinhard looked at Felt.

“Can we cook something else?” Felt asked hopefully.

Reinhard, as previously mentioned, was not often given the opportunity to cook. “Like what?”

“Oh,” said Felt.

Reinhard regretted choosing this recipe. It had taken him a while to find, as very few recipes called for equal amounts of salt and sugar. Now he found himself rueing the effort. “This is fine,” he said, forcefully cheerful. “We can just...not eat dinner tonight.”

“Yeah,” agreed Felt. “We’ll….” Her stomach rumbled.

Felt looked sad.

Reinhard’s knightly sensibilities protested greatly against this. “Maybe we can smell the difference,” he suggested. He sniffed the mystery cups.

They smelled identical.

Felt’s stomach rumbled again. She hunched in on herself.

Reinhard’s knightly sensibilities protested louder, this time in the form of his own stomach rumbling. Unfortunately, due to vigorous preparing-for-Kinghood activities, both Reinhard and Felt had skipped breakfast and lunch.

Felt’s eyes watered.

This was the final straw. Reinhard couldn’t take it. He raised his eyes toward the heavens, because while he didn’t know where Od Lagna was, the heavens were always a safe bet. Desperately, he begged, “Please allow me to know the difference between salt and sugar.”

Od Lagna listened, as it was wont to do when Reinhard was the one speaking. Reinhard was struck by an intense magic, and when it subsided he had the Dive Protection of Salt Reasoning.

And thus the crisis was averted; when Reinhard turned to the cups he immediately knew which was salt and which was sugar. To prove it, he of course picked up the salt cup and dumped it in his mouth.

“This is salt,” he told Felt, choking on the cup of salt he’d just poured into his mouth.

Eating this entire cup of salt is not a good decision for two reasons. The first is that salt, regardless of its contents, does not taste good in high qualities. The second reason coincides with the incorrectness of the second reaction that people often have to hearing of Reinhard’s Divine Protection of Salt Reasoning—the belief that this Divine Protection was a useful one, and the belief that Reinhard never mixed the two up.

Reinhard did have the Divine Protection of Salt Reasoning, and so he never mistook salt for sugar and sugar for salt. Felt, however, did not have the Divine Protection of Protection of Salt Reasoning, so she did.

Felt also did not have the ability to read; the label on one bag of white granular culinary seasoning looked much the same as the label on the other.

Reinhard ate an entire cup of salt and immediately died of rat poison.

**Author's Note:**

> and that's the story of how reinhard got the divine protection of salt reasoning, lost the divine protection of phoenix, and gained the divine protection of phoenix (next).
> 
> this is the fault of armysugakookie and sharkfrenzy00


End file.
